Amy Tindell Waiting is Hard!
It’s true. We’re always waiting on something. Sometimes we wait for big events like vacations or job interviews. At other times we wait for everyday events like eating supper or seeing the doctor. No matter who you are, chances are you’re waiting for something, and it’s not easy.
It seems like my entire family is in a season of waiting right now. I’m waiting for my next book to come out, waiting to hear back from certain job leads, and my next doctor appointment. My kids are waiting for the next school break, for family visits, and the next report card. More than that, we’re in a spiritual season of waiting and have been for a while. That got me thinking about all the different ways me and my neurodivergent crew handle (or don’t handle) waiting.
The Emotions of Waiting
Waiting for a party isn’t the same as waiting in the doctor’s office or waiting for a job interview. The reward is different. The value or importance of the event or change is also different. Sometimes neurodivergent thinkers recognize that, and sometimes we don’t.
Prioritizing events in order of importance is one of those executive functioning skills that so many neurodivergent thinkers struggle with. That’s why a ND thinker can seem just as upset over a burned casserole as they do when they get laid off. For someone with ADHD, all those big emotions show no matter how seemingly insignificant the event. For those with autism, they’re often left showing little emotion to either one because sorting out how they feel (or how they should feel) is so complicated. Processing the events takes more time.
The Vortex of Doom
Neurodivergent thinkers are significantly more prone to suffering from anxiety, and our emotional disregulation often shows during times of waiting. ND thinkers have a knack for over or under-processing a situation.
For my daughter, and many other ADHD thinkers, this looks more like a panic attack when her brain over-processes every little thing. She envisions the worst possible scenario, I suspect maybe to get the adrenaline rush of relief when it doesn’t happen. Even worse, her mind doesn’t stop with just the one event going bad. Whatever bad thing she imagines leads to another bad thing and then another. If you stop to listen to all the bad things she thinks might happen you find yourself being sucked into a vortex of doom.
This month she’s testing for a higher belt in martial arts class. Neurotypical thinkers might have some anxiety over whether or not they’ll mess up on a form or forget when to yell. That’s barely the starting point for my daughter. She’s worried about that…and her uniform ripping, accidentally kicking her teacher or a parent, hitting herself in the head with the staff, and breaking her arm if she slips on the mat. But wait, that’s just the edge of the vortex, because if any of that happens, she won’t get her new belt, and she might get kicked out of the gym, and maybe kicked out of every gym forever, and she’ll never get her black belt.
If she doesn’t get her black belt…that’s where the bigger problems begin. She went down the vortex for almost 20 minutes and finally ended with school bullies, her favorite store burning down, and us living out of my car. All because she might be testing for a yellow belt next week. Sound familiar?
It’s Not Part of the Plan
For my son, and many other autistic thinkers like him, can go either of two directions. First, he has a tendency to under-process a situation or event. He’s so confident that he fails to prepare or think through everything he needs to do to get ready for an event, so he misses steps and fails to practice. At other times, he thinks through everything he needs to do to get ready for the event, but he only makes one plan and then rehearses it again and again. When things don’t go as planned, he falls apart.
His anxiety shows itself in the form of frustrated meltdowns because of that rigid thinking or his hyperfocus on his plan. He is the planner. When he’s waiting in the deer stand for a deer to come within range, he’s already planning in his head how much meat he can get, the step-by-step process of preparing the deer, reviewing his business plan for making deer jerky, etc. When he’s waiting, he’s planning. That kind of planning and preparation is great if you’re studying for a test, getting ready for the next band concert, or planning a party.
But what happens when you know a change is coming, but you don’t know what it is? Dealing with the uncertainty of the future can be nerve-wracking for anyone, but then you add in the executive functioning deficits like emotional dysregulation, time blindness, disorganization, and inability to problem solve for many ND thinkers. It’s like every emotion a neurotypical thinker might have is amplified.
Handling the Wait
It’s easy to tell someone to be patient when you’re not the one who has to be patient. We all know that from experience. Why is it easier for many NT thinkers to be patient? Coping skills, for starters. As we grow up, we learn more coping skills along the way. We learn to stay busy and do something like read a book or play a game to pass the time. We learn how to make polite conversation and get to know the people around us. Some people practice relaxation techniques while others are busy entertaining the kids around them.
The point is that we find ways to navigate those times of waiting. For many ND thinkers, those coping skills don’t become second nature over time. Even if their frontal lobe is telling them to use these coping skills, the rest of their brain is hyper-focused on whatever they’re waiting for and drowns out anything else.
From My Own Experience
I’ve been that person in the waiting room rehearsing what I needed to say to the doctor with such focus that I missed my name being called to see the doctor. I’ve somehow convinced myself that I had time to grade 20 student essays while getting a 5-minute oil change, which led to 19 essays getting lost under the seat in my car for a week. I can sympathize with my son when things don’t work out and he yells, “That wasn’t in the plan!”. I can be the mom who throws out the lifeline to save her daughter from the vortex of doom, and I can set the example for problem-solving when Plan A doesn’t work out.
Sometimes ND thinkers just need that extra reminder to use their coping skills or someone setting an example. At other times, we may need help planning, problem-solving, or being that lifeline pulling us from the vortex.
My biggest challenge (and maybe yours too) is focusing on the now. What is happening right now that I need to do, say, work on, or enjoy? Many people get so busy rehearsing the past or planning for the future that they can’t enjoy what’s happening right now. ND thinkers just have a harder time pulling their brains out of that loop of rehearsing past mistakes and planning for future disasters, and we sometimes need a little more help focusing on the now.
