Neurodiversity and Object Permanence

I know object permanence issues are often associated with ADHD, but I’ve seen it so many times with other neurodivergent thinkers, including myself. Object permanence is the understanding that something (or someone) still exists even though we don’t see it (or them). As the old saying goes: Out of sight, out of mind. We all struggle with this at times, but it can be a real challenge in the daily lives of neurodivergent thinkers. Let me give you a few examples to show you what I mean.

Glass Cabinets and Clothes

The next time I buy a house, I should probably get kitchen cabinets with glass doors. Even though we’ve lived in this house…and I have not rearranged the shelves at any time… for almost 5 years, 3 of the 4 members of my family will forget where to find things daily. Yes, I’m one of them. If I don’t open all the cabinets and drawers when I unload the dishwasher, I’ll inevitably have to look in multiple places before remembering which one is for plates and which is for cups.

The kids must have caught on because after they open every cabinet to find a snack, they just leave them open sometimes. The same is true for the clothes in their dresser drawers. I literally labeled my daughter’s dresser drawers with the printed name AND the picture of what goes inside. She sometimes puts her clean clothes away in the drawers, but more often she lays them out on her extra bed so she can see what she has. If I clean her room, she’s convinced she doesn’t have any clothes which can lead to a panic attack. My son puts his clothes away, but then leaves EVERY drawer open with a “sample” of what’s inside hanging out.

Towels and Desks

Since the day we moved into this house, clean towels have always been found in the first bathroom closet. Yet 3-4 times a week I’ll hear one or both kids get out of the shower dripping wet and yell, “I can’t find a towel!” My first response is always, “Did you look in the closet?” Then I hear the closet door open, and usually get some kind of mumbled response like “Never mind” or “Found one”. It doesn’t stop with towels. If every tube of toothpaste isn’t out on the counter, we must be out of toothpaste.

I can’t pick on my kids too much. A few weeks ago I moved an antique desk that had been sitting in my bedroom out to replace my work desk. Thanks, Mom! As I started cleaning out the antique desk, I found everything from old pictures to birthday presents I’d hid there for safekeeping. The problem was that once that stuff was put away, I forgot about it. The moment I pulled out the gift card from the drawer, I immediately remembered who it was for and when I bought it. But until that moment, I had completely forgotten that I had bought it …almost 3 years ago!

Beyond the “Stuff”

Object permanence doesn’t stop with the inanimate objects around the house. For example, when I’m around my family and friends, I usually enjoy their company. When I’m not around them, I sometimes forget they exist. Maybe forget is a strong word. I get busy doing other things and I forget to miss them until something comes up to remind me of them. It’s not that I don’t love them or care about them. They’re just out of sight, and there’s so much to focus on right in front of me that I forget to think about them.

One of my friends with ADHD, said she has this problem, but then she internalizes it. She feels guilty that she hasn’t talked to a person in a while, and she starts wondering if they’re mad at her or if she should apologize. Then she agonizes over what the other person might be feeling to the point she freezes. She can’t decide how to respond in a text or call, so she just avoids it, which draws the whole drama out for weeks or even months.

On the other hand, I know several people on the autism spectrum who do the opposite. After days or weeks or months they remember that they haven’t talked to you in a while, and if the other person is upset about it, they can’t understand why. Someone also pointed out that this is why some people on the spectrum are accused of using people or being narcissistic. Narcissistic people do this to manipulate. Neurodivergent thinkers usually aren’t manipulating. They simply came across a task that made them think of you after a period of time when they hadn’t.

Dealing with a Lack of Object Permanence

When it comes to the “stuff”, I’ve found several ways that help me stay organized and avoid object permanence issues. First, get rid of clutter. If you’re not using it and probably won’t use it, get it out of there. For more insight, read my earlier posts on clutter and collections.

Second, organize what you have in sight. I LOVE rolling carts, bookcases, shelves, and organizers that are see-through. I’m including a few pictures to show my office rolling cart and shelves so you can see what I mean. Things can be visible but organized. Translucent or transparent organizers keep things contained but still within sight. I also love labels, and I feel no shame that my kitchen counters are lined with labeled containers. My house will never pass for the ones in magazines with empty countertops and extra space, and I’m okay with that. Below you’ll find a link to a Clutterbug video where she offers ideas for visual organizers like the ones I use.

Object Permanence in Relationships

If you are family or friends of a neurodivergent thinker who struggles with object permanence, don’t be offended. They don’t love you any less. If you haven’t heard from them in a while, be the initiator. Pick up the phone to say hi. If you’re not sure if they’re avoiding you or if they’re just busy, ask them. Their failure to initiate a conversation is usually nothing personal.

If you’re a neurodivergent thinker who struggles with this, set up a scheduled time each week to call that friend or family member. Let them know about it, so they can call you if you forget. Schedule times to do things with your friends and stick to it. Notice a theme here? Schedules. Having a consistent schedule will bring the people you care about to your mind on a regular basis, even if you can’t see them.

What are some ways you deal with object permanence issues? Leave a comment below to share with everyone.

Update 10/26/2023: At least 2 of you have asked where I found some of my organizers. Honestly, some of them are from the local dollar stores, but there are a few I bought online. I’ll add the links to the pictures below.

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