“Floor check! This one’s up to code!” I said and outwardly smiled at the lady across the aisle at the grocery store. I’ve been having more problems with my balance lately. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when one moment I was standing there looking up at the cereal and the next moment I was sitting on the floor looking up at the cereal. With years of experience and a healthy dose of self-confidence, I can sometimes handle my mistakes and embarrassing situations with a little humor.
Recovering from mistakes has always been on the list of difficult skills I had to learn and teach my neurodivergent students, and I see some of the same challenges in my kids. I think everyone struggles with this skill to some extent, but neurodivergent thinkers have an especially hard time. Why?
In addition to learning coping skills, neurodivergent thinkers also have to overcome executive functioning gaps. Emotional dysregulation is a huge problem, and the inability to analyze the problem doesn’t help. So what can we do?
Teach Coping Skills
The first step in teaching kids how to recover from mistakes is to learn healthy coping skills. Tyler Mcnamer, founder of AutismWorks, wrote an article recently about recovering from mistakes where he clearly laid out the action steps below that lead to healthy coping with embarrassing situations.
- STOP what you are doing.
- THINK what has happened.
- ACCEPT the events.
- LOOK at the situation.
- REACH OUT for assistance.
- LISTEN to advice.
- LEARN from the mistakes and make the attempt to not do them again.
Simple, right? This is great advice for anyone. So why is this more difficult for neurodivergent thinkers?
Autism
Probably the biggest challenge for so many of my former students and others I know with autism is looking at the situation. When neurotypical thinkers look at the situation, they can read faces and body language of others to get some idea of just how bad or embarrassing their mistake might be. Neurotypical thinkers often struggle to accept the mistake or ask for help, but most of my autistic friends never get that far because they get stuck trying to figure out how and why the people around them are reacting the way they are. And even if they succeed in figuring that out, determining an appropriate response takes time and effort.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that my friends with autism are usually black-and-white thinkers. Right is right and wrong is wrong, and if I make a mistake I’ve done something terrible. That kind of thinking often fills the autistic thinker’s mind with panic which can lead to lying, blaming others, or meltdowns as they’re frustrated and angry with themselves.
ADHD
Many of my former students and friends with ADHD get stuck on the same point as my autistic friends but for the opposite reason. They CAN read the faces and body language of those around them. The panic and anxiety set in almost immediately. While the autistic thinker may “underreact” in the situation, my ADHD thinkers overreact and often in big ways.
They may overreact in the form of tears, blaming others, lashing out in anger, or many other ways, but one thing is certain—If anyone wasn’t paying attention and missed the mistake when it happened, they’re sure to know about it now. Emotional dysregulation takes over. That’s right, those executive functioning skills just don’t kick in.
Something else I’ve noticed about many of my ADHD thinkers is that they struggle with low self-esteem. Their faults are pointed out so often that many begin to question if they can do anything right. So, when they make a mistake, it’s just one more blow to their self-confidence. Lying about it, blaming others, avoidance, and playing the victim are easy ways to make them feel better about themselves. After all, if they can convince others that it wasn’t really their mistake, maybe they can convince themselves too.
Beyond Coping Skills
There’s no way around it. We all have to learn how to cope with our mistakes. Our neurodivergent thinkers need extra practice at this, but they also need compassionate accountability. That’s the ability to make them go through the steps and accept the mistake, but to offer the encouragement and space to recover. In the middle of a meltdown, that’s easier said than done, but this is our goal. A safe place to recover from our mistakes, learn from them, and make them right is what we all need.
And always point out what our kids are doing well.
