After my last post, a friend pointed out that some of the things I talked about go back to executive function. As a teacher, I know what that is because I dealt with the deficits almost every waking moment each day. If I wasn’t helping my students or my kids, I was dealing with my own deficits. A fair amount of the explainable anxiety caused by our circumstances can probably be traced back to a lapse in someone’s executive functioning.
You may or may not have heard of executive functioning before. Generally, we use the term to refer to the part of the brain that holds working memory, processes directions, plans, prioritizes, and makes decisions. This is the part of the brain that sees a task through to completion, adjusts to changes, and manages time. All of these are areas where neurodivergent thinkers (and everyone else) may struggle. And where there is a struggle, there is anxiety.
Let’s Look at an Example
I got a text at 7:00 saying that the school bus driver was out, so the kids would be getting on a different bus. My son was hyperventilating because he just can’t handle a sub bus driver on such short notice. Meanwhile, my daughter was supposed to be packing her backpack (again), but she decided she needed lip gloss. While she was in her room getting lip gloss, she saw a toy ring her friend had given her, so she put it on. Then she remembered that her friend had also given her colored pencils, which she needed to use to make a card for my birthday. In her mind, ten minutes before the bus came was the perfect time to start that project.
I was busy in the kitchen cleaning up from breakfast, but then I had to go find out why my daughter was taking so long to pack her bag. After several redirections, she finally got back around to packing her bag, but then she couldn’t find her shoe. My son handed me a paper he had forgotten to get me to sign over the weekend, then he realized he forgot to study for his math test today. By the time the bus came, both kids were in tears. I zipped my daughter’s backpack up as she got on the bus, and I waved goodbye.
I came back into the house and started laundry. I totally forgot about the dishes in the sink. About 20 minutes later I heard my phone ringing. It took me a minute to figure out it was coming from inside the clean laundry basket. It was my daughter calling from school to tell me she had forgotten her glasses. It took me another 45 minutes before I actually found her glasses under her bed with a spoon and a bunch of rocks. When I asked her about it, she informed me that she had started a rock garden. Needless to say, it was lunchtime before I remembered the dishes from breakfast.
Coping
Sound familiar? It all goes back to those gaps in executive functioning that all three of us share. As you can see, those gaps cause stress, and many of us let that stress turn into anxiety. It also puts stress on the people we live and work with, which increases their anxiety and frustration.
As a teacher, I used many tools to help my students overcome these gaps. We had visual planners, timers, classroom procedures that were broken down into single-step directions, shortened tasks, and so on. All those things helped the person function, but they didn’t change the person’s thinking. Take away the tools, and the person was just as lost as before. I’m the same way. Take away my calendar, pill organizer, phone alarms, lists, and sticky notes and I will not be able to function. Using the tools is what I call “adulting with executive functioning gaps”. Nobody does it perfectly, but our kids and teens who are still learning what tools they have and how they work struggle the most.
All that proves is that many of us who struggle with executive functioning can learn to use tools and tricks to help, but it doesn’t take away the problem. Add that to what I mentioned in the last post about how neurodivergent thinkers process stress and anxiety differently. You see why something as minor as a bus change might send the rigid, over-planner over the edge.
My son and I tend to be the over planners. He has no problem when I make him lay his clothes out or pack his backpack before going to bed, so he’ll be ready for the next morning. Mention the word “substitute” anything and he starts to get anxious. He has everything planned out, but when there’s a change he doesn’t know what to do. When he forgets a test or assignment, he practically has a panic attack. Give him more than two or three directions at once, and he totally shuts down.
Then there are the under-planners like my daughter. I made sure her backpack was packed before she went to bed, but the next morning she remembered the library book that needed to go back to school. She emptied her entire backpack looking for the book before going to search for it in her room. Once she found it, we had to pack up again. Then she remembered a project that was given to them last week, but she forgot about it, and it’s due tomorrow. She had to go back through her bag to find the crumpled instructions, which led to repacking her bag a third time and the lip gloss incident.
It’s Not Apathy
It’s not that she’s laid back or doesn’t care enough to plan ahead. She cares very much, and she wants everything to be perfect. So, when her scattered thoughts and forgetfulness catch her unprepared, she gets mad and frustrated with herself, which leads to anxiety. So many times that anxiety doesn’t look like anxiety. She doesn’t always cry or get upset. More often she either acts tough, pretends like she doesn’t care, avoids the issue, or gets angry.
I have to remind myself that her anxiety is coming out towards a safe person like me, but she’s really mad at herself. I’ve had students like this try to be the class clown to distract others from realizing the student’s mistake. I’ve also seen students start fights or try to run away from school…all because their gap in executive functioning showed. They forgot something or made a mistake, and their anxiety showed in different ways.
What Can We Do
- To the people with executive functioning issues: Use the tools. Make lists. Use visual schedules. Set phone alarms. The list goes on. There are so many tools available and technology to help, that there’s no excuse for not using tools to help you remember things or plan your time. My calendar may look like the Crayola factory threw up because of color coding everything. Remembering to take my medicine involves a labeled pill organizer AND multiple phone alarms…and I’ve still managed to forget to take my medicine twice in the last month. I don’t dare go shopping without a list, and I’ve learned that I also do better shopping alone. I’m sure that has nothing to do with two lovely kids distracting me and begging for candy. For a few more good life hacks and a good laugh, there’s a link below to one of the Holderness Family videos on ADHD life. There are a lot of videos like theirs and the How To ADHD channel on YouTube.
- To those around us: Be patient. We are not intentionally making your life difficult or causing you stress and anxiety for our enjoyment. Sometimes when we get overwhelmed with anxiety, we need you to not panic. Use those positive coping skills to set the example. Find help from teachers, other parents, doctors, occupational therapists, counselors, etc. You are not the only person dealing with an anxious neurodivergent thinker. Trust me. My husband lives with three of us…four if you count the dog.
- Use positive coping skills. Exercise. Take care of yourself. Take time meditating on God’s Word and in quiet prayer. Take time to talk to friends and have family game nights. I know all of those things are sometimes easier said than done, but they are all useful in handling stress and anxiety.
- Give yourself grace. Give grace to others. No one is perfect. Focus on what you can control, and not what you can’t. So many neurodivergent thinkers see all their failures and not their successes. Celebrate the success. (I found my phone AND finished writing this post today…go me!)
- Know when to get help. Just like the social anxiety I talked about in the first post can be processed wrong and turn into an anxiety disorder, so can the anxiety caused by executive functioning gaps. When the anxiety becomes overwhelming or has no identifiable cause, it’s time to get professional help. Don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor, counselor, or therapist. Don’t believe the lie that you’re alone.
Resources:
“Smart but Scattered” by Richard Guare and Peg Dawson. There’s actually a whole series of books explaining executive functioning, offering tools and ideas for coping with executive functioning deficits, and even tests to help you figure out if you have a deficit in executive functioning.
How to ADHD: Executive Functioning
Holderness Family ADHD Hacks I live with long lists, big phone cases, and cheap sunglasses. Loved the magnet idea on the car.
My New Favorite Tool:
Dry erase contact paper. Leave notes on doors, desks, and tables. I got some of this for my desk last week, but I had enough to put some on the kids’ doors as well. They love writing notes and drawing pictures, and I can remind them to brush their teeth.
