It seems like every year at least one person will ask me about the best gifts for neurodiverse thinkers, in particular our kids on the Autism spectrum. It’s a difficult question because it really does depend on the sensory needs and interests of the person. There’s usually not one toy I can point to and say, “That’s the perfect gift for a kids with Autism.”
I know Autism Parenting Magazine created a list of toys and other items they suggest, and many of them are good ideas. While I do have links on other blog posts to Amazon for various products and books (and I’d love for you to check those out), I’ve found time and again that the best gift anyone can give a neurodivergent thinker can’t be bought. It’s the gift of time.
Schedules
The holidays are notorious for being jammed packed with parties, plays, parades, and so many other activities. For our kids (and adults) with Autism or other sensory processing issues, it can be overwhelming. You can’t even walk through the mall past the line to see Santa without seeing younger children having total sensory meltdowns. Older kids and even adults on the Autism spectrum may not have the ability to communicate that they need time and space to process all the sensory information they face, and that can lead to stimming behavior and meltdowns that look similar. Even people on the high functioning end of the spectrum may become easily aggravated and lose their temper as a form of sensory meltdown.
People who have ADD / ADHD or other neurodivergent traits might not always face the same sensory issues, but time is still a problem. Many agree to attend different parties and activities without stopping to think or check their calendar. They end up over-extending themselves on top of struggling with “time blindness”. The exhaustion and frustration of trying to do everything adds up.
Additionally, there are so many distractions that they may struggle to get anything done at all during the holidays. I literally have friends with ADHD who have forgotten to pay bills, accidentally left their kids at school, and missed their own birthday party because they were just so distracted in December.
Time to Process
Regardless of whether you’re dealing with Autism, ADHD, or any other form of neurodivergent thinking, one of the greatest gifts you can offer is time to process everything. It takes neurodivergent thinkers longer to process sensory input, emotions, and other information. One of the best things we can do as parents is to fit that time into the schedule.
Our kids are often at the mercy of our schedules. Yes, many of the activities are for them, but we ultimately decide which activities to participate in. As parents, we have the difficult job of balancing the social needs of our kids with all the other needs of our kids. In an effort to be involved and encourage friendships, we encourage participation. It can be difficult to see when our kids need a break before it’s too late and we face a meltdown.
As teenagers and adults, many neurodivergent thinkers don’t realize they need a break until it’s too late. An even bigger challenge is trying to communicate that they need a break to the people around them. The last thing they want to do is offend the people closest to them or damage those relationships. I’ve known many people with ADHD or high functioning Autism who try to keep up the schedule even when they are miserable, exhausted, and depressed just so they didn’t let anyone else down.
My advice is to make time in your schedule, and your kids’ schedules, to process their experiences. Try to avoid scheduling multiple activities in a single day when possible. It’s okay to politely turn down invitations or say no to certain activities when you (or they) feel overwhelmed. To the teens and adults with ADD/ADHD, check your schedule (and your parents’ schedules) before you say yes to an invitation or activity, and keep a calendar or list of the activities and invitations you say yes to.
Time to Rest
November and December can be exhausting for everyone no matter how you think. There have been many scientific studies that show how sleep affects neurodiverse thinkers. Kids on the Autism spectrum struggle with changes to their sleep schedule and routine, which often happens since many of these extra activities are at night. Sleep deprivation keeps them from being able to process all the sensory input they face and affects their ability to deal with changes or interact socially. It also diminishes the ability for people with ADD/ ADHD to concentrate.
Learning how to take the time to rest and practice self-care is a vital skill neurodivergent teens and adults need to learn. It’s something we need to teach our kids. The best way to do that is through our example. If our kids see us politely saying no to activities and guarding our time for rest and self-care, it will better equip them to handle the same situations in the future. It will also reduce the amount of stress and anxiety neurodivergent thinkers are prone to and which often leads to depression.
Time to Be Safe
Everyone needs a “safe place” where they are accepted and loved. This is especially true for so many divergent thinkers.
For our kids on the Autism spectrum and those with sensory processing issues, they often practice stimming (or self-stimulating) behaviors to deal with stress and excitement. This can take many forms, such as hand flapping, rocking, jumping, spinning, or squeezing things, just to name a few. Some people can suppress these behaviors in public for a while, but many cannot, and they need a safe place to stim without judgement.
Our kids with ADD/ ADHD often need an emotionally safe place. They need to know that they have family and friends who will accept them even they’re forgetful, distracted, and emotional. Most kids and many adults with ADD /ADHD may need help realizing that they need time and rest, and they often need to be encouraged to recognize their limits and needs. They need to know that they won’t be rejected or damage relationships by saying no to different activities.
What Does the Gift of Time Look Like?
For the person hosting the parties or coordinating the events, don’t take it personally if a parent (or neurodivergent adult) chooses not to be involved. There’s a good chance that it’s not personal. They’re just practicing good self-care.
For the family and close friends, don’t over plan it. Yes, intentionally set aside time in the schedule and stick with your normal routine as much as possible, but too many people feel like they have to plan how their neurodivergent thinker will spend that time. If you have to plan beyond getting popcorn and choosing a movie for a family movie night, you’re probably over planning.
- Play time: Give them time with one of their hobbies or interests that helps them relax. If you join them, don’t feel like you have to keep a conversation going. Just be present and enjoy what they are doing. There are times when my son and I just sit in the garage and run his model trains. He likes to oral process, so I let him do most of the talking if he wants to, but I try not to force it. My daughter enjoys time to make crafts. For others it may mean playing catch in the backyard, watching TV, or playing board games.
- Nap time: I know it’s not popular with my older kids and teens, but sometimes it’s needed. Younger kids may like to cuddle up with you and watch their favorite show. Sometimes my sensory seekers may fall asleep with a good scalp massage or a weighted blanket. At other times, our older kids and teens may just need to lay down and rest without anyone else around. It may mean being the unpopular parent who takes the phone away for a few hours.
- Pet time: This doesn’t mean you need to run out and buy a puppy for Christmas. If you have a pet that your child is attached to, taking time to quietly pet and care for that animal has been proven to reduce stress. I’ve watched both my kids calm down as they stroked a guinea pig while using the dog as a pillow. You don’t have to be a neurodivergent thinker to have some relaxing time with the family pet.
Those are just a few ways I’ve given the gift of time to my family in the past. If you’d like to share other ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments below. I hope this encourages you to give the gift of time to yourself and the neurodivergent thinkers in your life.
