Amy Tindell The Elephant in the Room- Emotions (part 2)
The truth is that emotional regulation is such a huge topic that I could write a hundred posts or more and still not cover everything. For your sake (and mine), I’m limiting this to a 3-part series. Make sure you check out part one of the series in order for everything to make sense. Hopefully, you find something that will encourage you and help you understand the neurodiverse people around you. This post will focus on Autism.
Emotional regulation is a phrase we use that simply means we use the correct emotion at the correct time in the correct amount. We hear it more often when we’re talking about our ADHD kiddos who can be over the top in their emotions, but it holds true with people on the Autism spectrum. Outwardly, many people on the spectrum can show little emotion and come across as apathetic, tired, or even selfish. Sometimes they may laugh at the wrong time or scream instead of cry.
As a teacher and a mom, I have never met someone on the Autism spectrum who couldn’t express any emotion. There was always some way that they expressed their own emotions…mainly to get their wants and needs met. Recognizing and using emotions to get what we need or want is the first step. A baby quickly learns that he can use his cries to get his needs met and toddlers usually add body language and tantrums for emphasis.
I’ve known a few kids and teenagers with Autism who function at this level and struggle with regulating their own emotions. Many are nonverbal or have limited vocabulary. In class, we would focus on finding better ways to get their needs met. Changing a tantrum into a gesture was a huge success.
Many people I know on the Autism spectrum have taken the next step. They have at least started looking beyond themselves to try to figure out other people.
I’ve known several kids who would systematically do something they knew they weren’t supposed to, and then they would sit back and watch to see how I’d react. It was like a big science experiment…If I do this, then she’ll do that. They were going to their emotional toolbox to figure out what tool I was using in response to them. Empathy was still a foreign concept for the most part, but curiosity was there. They watch intently to see how people react, and they often try to imitate it.
In one class I had two students who would watch my every move to see how I reacted to different situations. They seemed to be apathetic or only mildly curious at best, but after months of watching, the moment came when something familiar happened that I needed to react to, and they both jumped up to react “for me”. They even got my accent, intonation, and body language right! They had seen my response enough times that they could mimic it. Encouraging this at the right time can lead to the third step.
By far, most of the people I know with Autism have taken the third step. Instead of just observing and mimicking, they try to relate to other people. That doesn’t mean they do it well or succeed every time. I know neurotypical people who still struggle with this one at times. I often struggle with this one. This is where the communication and processing problems begin and the toolbox comes out. There are two main questions we have to ask in order to use our tools.
First, what is the other person feeling? Before we can react, we have to understand what the other person in the conversation is feeling. This is difficult for people on the Autism spectrum. Some can use facial expressions and be overly animated, but when it comes to recognizing the facial expressions of others, that’s different altogether. Usually, when my son comes home and tells me about something that happened at school, he can repeat the facts of what was said and done. He can even tell me how he feels about it, but he has no clue how the other people said what they did or what their faces looked like at the time.
Some people with Autism get stuck here. They can look at the person’s face or body, look in their own emotional toolbox, and start going through each tool to see if it matches. I can just imagine some of my kids picking up the hammer of anger, looking at it, looking at the person… and thinking no, that’s not it. Put it back. Let’s try the wrench of happiness…no that’s not it. Let’s try something else… You can see how this process can take time and be exhausting for everyone. If you can’t identify the problem, you certainly can’t pick the right tool to fix it.
The second question is, how should that make me feel? Sometimes people I know on the spectrum will be able to identify what the other person is feeling, but they have no idea what to do about it. Some will start looking around to see how other people are reacting so they can do the same. Some will pick an emotion out of their toolbox and try it, hoping it’s the right one. If it’s not, they’ll try another and usually wish to be out of the situation because it’s getting overwhelming and embarrassing. Some will keep trying, but others give up at this point because it’s taking entirely too much energy to figure it out.
Many of the people we meet on the Autism spectrum don’t “look Autistic”. (Sorry. The small earthquake was just my eyes rolling.) Maybe you’re recognizing these traits in someone you work with, your neighbor, a family member, or the kid in church as you read this. It doesn’t matter if the person has been officially diagnosed with Autism. Sometimes even neurotypical people need the extra help too.
So what can we do to help? Here are some ways to communicate and help people use their emotional toolboxes.
- Say how you feel. Don’t expect anyone to be able to look at you and read your mind. Be willing to tell the other person why you’re upset or excited or any other emotion. That takes the pressure off. If I know what you’re feeling in a given situation, then I can jump to the next step without wasting valuable time and energy. It also helps less verbal kids recognize what a particular emotion looks like and adds to their emotional vocabulary.
- Set the example. If you’re with someone who is struggling to relate to another person, make the first move. When they see how you react, it may help them figure out how they should react.
- Show grace. That’s easier said than done sometimes. Just because someone doesn’t know how to relate to you at the moment, doesn’t mean they don’t care. They may just need time to figure things out. Don’t take it personally. Assume the best intentions.
If you’re looking for some social emotional tools I’ve used in the classroom specifically with my students on the Autism spectrum, here are a few:
The adults in the classroom would often carry communication cards like the ones linked here and use them to help our less verbal students identify their wants and needs.
I’ve used several different types of charts and posters like the one linked here that show the different faces of emotions.
One of my favorite book series for my more verbal and socially aware kids is the “What Should Danny Do?“ book series. These are great at helping kids read the situation and make good choices. All my students enjoyed it, especially those with neurodiversity.
For teens and adults on the spectrum, I’ve used parts of “The Social Survival Guide for Teens“.
There are hundreds of resources out there, but these are just a few at different levels that I’ve personally used. If you’d like to share other ideas, please leave a comment below.
