Amy Tindell Writing this post was a real struggle because it is so personal. My drink rests on my checkbook ledger that’s only one Happy Meal away from being in the negative. There’s a leak in ceiling that has to be fixed. I lost my temper and had a fight with my daughter trying to get her out the door for school this morning. More abnormal medical tests, and my car brakes cost over a thousand dollars to fix. I’ve rewritten this post three times, and I can feel the tightness in my chest just thinking about how many different ways it could be misread or misunderstood.
We all face stress and anxiety. We all have times when we feel worried or anxious, but anxiety can look different and is more common for many neurodivergent people. There are many neurotypical people who also struggle with anxiety and anxiety disorders, so I’m not trying to say that severe anxiety or anxiety disorders are something unique to the neurodivergent thinkers. What I can say is that it is more common and can look different for neurodivergent thinkers. There have been many studies to back this up. The exact numbers vary from one study to the next, but the trend is always the same. Statistically, neurodivergent thinkers struggle more with anxiety and anxiety disorders.
I suppose I’m in a unique situation to be able to see the difference. Before my traumatic brain injury (TBI), I did go through periods of time when I experienced stress and anxiety. I survived and even thrived through stress in college and as I picked up my life to live overseas for two years. The difference was that back then my higher order thinking skills could kick in. I could make a plan, focus on the problems, adjust my plans for the unexpected. Basically, I had a handle on my stress and anxiety. I let my frustration show some when I was irritable or tired, but anxiety didn’t control me.
That all changed in an instant a little over 20 years ago. I was in a car accident where my brain was one of many parts of my body that was be injured. For the first several years after my TBI, I felt like I was losing my mind. I would have panic attacks, get physically sick from stress, have emotional breakdowns, or simply avoid dealing with situations or people I couldn’t control. For the most part I was still good at hiding it in public, but underneath the anxiety was ruling my life.
It wasn’t until my third year teaching, when I went to a teaching conference, that I started to put the pieces together. The topic of the session was ADHD and anxiety disorder. As I listened to the speaker describing the connection between anxiety disorder and the neurodivergent thinker, it was like someone pulling the curtain back on what was happening in my own life. My TBI changed the way I think…and the way I process fear and stress. Neurodivergent thinkers process many things differently than their neurotypical peers, and anxiety is no exception.
Over the years I saw this trend in my classroom. My students with ADHD, Autism, and other forms of neurodiversity continually struggled more with anxiety and anxiety disorders than my neurotypical students. I believe that there are several reasons for this, but I’ll just talk about one today…planning.
In addition to the “normal” stress that can cause anxiety for all of us, many of the people I know with high-functioning autism and some with TBIs (myself included) have added anxiety as we anticipate our interactions with other people. We are the over planners.
For some of the students I’ve worked with and myself, just getting ready to go out the door in the morning requires mentally going into our “war room” to plan out how are going to attack our day. We plan how we will interact with specific people throughout the day. We practice conversations in our head and try to anticipate how others will react to us. We imagine what situations might be waiting for us and plan for how we should act. We leave the house feeling unprepared, and inevitably we’re faced with situations that don’t go the way we thought they would.
That’s when we get stuck saying the wrong thing or acting in a way that doesn’t make sense to other, and we end up feeling terrible because we know we’ve messed things up and hurt feelings, but we just don’t know how to fix it. One of my journalism professors once told the class that some people just communicate better with their mouths shut. He was teaching a writing class, but that sums up the defeat we feel. Maybe, if we just hadn’t said anything…
Because we see our mistakes in hindsight, it can be embarrassing to face the same people again and again knowing we’ll probably make things worse. My go to solution is withdrawal. Other people like my son lash out in anger. I’ve known other people to cry, become depressed, and even try to harm themselves because they feel guilty and defeated, and all that feeds into the cycle of anxiety.
For my daughter and so many of the students I’ve had with ADHD, the problem isn’t over planning, it’s under planning. Their relationships are filled with impulsive decisions and thoughtless words. For them, it’s not that things didn’t go as planned. There was no plan, and all those thoughtless words and actions leave a trail of misunderstanding and hurt. Many of them realize what they’ve done, but it was too late to take it back. They are embarrassed and stuck in the same situation of not knowing how to fix it.
The same vicious cycle starts in their minds. The fear, worry, and guilt trigger anxiety. The part of their brain that handles anxiety malfunctions or fails to process the feelings “normally”. Some of them lash out in anger, some cry, some avoid certain people altogether, some have panic attacks, some practice perfectionism, some act tough or make jokes, and some got physically sick. Actually, many people I know do several of those things at once. That’s the thing about anxiety, it can look totally different from one person to the next.
I can tell you that the part of my brain that processes fear and controls anxiety didn’t usually freak out like this because of stress before the TBI, and I can also tell you that I can’t fix it now that it does. I’ve tried. I’ve learned some great healthy coping skills. I’ve seen Christian counselors. I have less anxiety now than I used to. I’ve also leaned on a few unhealthy coping skills (as the empty candy bar wrapper on my desk screams), but there’s no amount of calming techniques that will stop a panic attack or take away the tightness in my chest once that part of my brain kicks in to cause it. It’s not just anxiety…it’s an anxiety disorder.
Probably the craziest difference I’ve found since my TBI is the disconnect between my mind and my body’s response to anxiety. There have been times since the TBI that I will know the truth, have everything under control, I have a plan for dealing with a situation, and I even feel at peace with a difficult situation, but I will still experience the physical affects of anxiety. Spiritually I am at peace. Mentally I know what I can control and what I’m giving to God. I know the truth in my head, but the tightness in my chest, the difficulty breathing, and the knot in my stomach don’t go away. My doctors have run test. There’s nothing physically wrong. That disconnect is part of anxiety disorder. It’s one of the things that makes it different from regular anxiety.
Maybe all this sounds familiar to you or someone you know. No doubt I’ll write more about other causes for increased anxiety (and there are plenty), especially in neurodivergent thinkers at another time, but I hope that something I’ve written here has helped you relate to the people in your life who experience severe anxiety or have anxiety disorder. To the people struggling with anxiety and anxiety disorder, I offer this:
- Keep practicing healthy coping skills. They may not always work, but don’t give up. Unhealthy coping skills are easy. Anybody can turn to food, spending, alcohol, drugs, and many other things to cope, but they won’t solve the problem. The more you practice healthy coping skills, the easier they will get.
- Give yourself grace. We all need time to process our fears and anxiety. Some of us need longer than others. If you have anxiety, give yourself some grace and time. Anxiety doesn’t go away overnight. Celebrate progress.
- Find a friend. Anxiety isolates and often leads to depression and other mental issues. Having someone to talk to gives us encouragement and strength. Going to the people we’ve hurt to apologize can be agonizing, but it’s how I’ve found some of the friends who are the most understanding.
- Know when to get help. There are professional counselors and doctors who are trained to help people with uncontrolled anxiety. Getting medical help and having a safe place to talk about things and process the fears behind the anxiety can be a real game changer.
- Recognize the spiritual side of anxiety. God didn’t give us a spirit of fear…or anxiety. As Christians, taking time to meditate on God’s word and spending that quiet time in prayer is the healthiest coping skill we have. When no one else understands the struggles of anxiety and neurodiversity, God does.
If you or someone you know is dealing with anxiety disorder and contemplating suicide, please call 988 or use one of the resources on the National Institute of Mental Health’s website.
Please feel free to share your own experiences or encouragement in the comments below.
