“Mom, you forgot to get us off the bus!”
That was the first thing I remember hearing a few days ago. I had been sitting at my computer “in the zone”. I had written almost 20 pages in the next book in the “Think A Little Different” series I’m working on, and I was totally unaware of anything else around me. At some point between about 9:30 in the morning and the time the kids got home it had started to rain, my lunchtime medication alarm went off, the dog tore down the door curtain trying to get to the delivery person, and I had gotten 16 text messages…and I wasn’t aware of any of it. It was like the outside world and time itself didn’t exist. The moment my kids came through the door was the first indication I had that it was no longer morning.
What is Hyper focus?
Hyper focusing is something I’ve struggled with for years, and I’ve noticed both my kids struggling with it as well. In fact, many of the neurodivergent thinkers I know struggle with it. It can be both good and bad. What it boils down to is this: Just like neurodivergent thinkers often struggle to regulate our emotions, we struggle to regulate our focus as well. Neurotypical thinkers can often regulate the amount of attention they give to a specific project. Neurodivergent thinkers are often stuck riding the pendulum back and forth between inattention and hyper focus.
We often associate hyper focus with autism because it is often so much more evident when it comes to things they like. The truth is that people on the autism spectrum can be just as easily distracted as someone with ADHD, and people with ADHD can hyper focus just like someone with autism. It isn’t that one is good at hyper-focusing and the other is inattentive. Both extremes show a struggle to regulate attention and focus, and the struggle is real.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Sides of Hyper-Focusing
There are some positives to hyper focus. The ability to hyper focus means that neurodivergent thinkers often have amazing ideas and are extremely productive during those times of hyper focus. You may know or have heard of great artists, writers, and musicians who were able to create a masterpiece by tuning the world out and hyper-focusing. Some of the world’s greatest inventions are around because some inventors used their skills of hyper-focusing to create new solutions to problems.
Hyper focus has a dark side as well. Yes, I forgot to take my medicine, eat lunch, and get my kids off the bus. Those are all very important things. I honestly can’t say I would have heard the smoke detector go off if it had. Hyper focusing can lead to dangerous situations, and it can damage relationships. My kids were hurt that I had forgotten them. It wasn’t that I had forgotten my kids, but I was just totally unaware of the time.
I know there have been many times my family has gotten frustrated when I hyper focus on other things. They sometimes feel ignored or forgotten. I love my family very much, but sometimes I just can’t physically make myself stop hyper-focusing on whatever project or idea is in front of me. You may be on the receiving end of a neurodivergent relationship and feel many of those same emotions.
Another downside to hyperfocus is that when it ends, it leaves your brain feeling like every ounce of energy has been twisted out of it. When my kids came in that day, I literally stared at them for a good 10-20 seconds before my brain snapped back to reality, and then I had no mental or emotional energy left to give them. There was no discussion about their day or homework help. It was all I could do to scrape together some kind of dinner to feed them and watch a little mind-numbing TV in the same room with them so I could convince myself they weren’t being neglected.
I couldn’t focus on conversations or anything else that needed to be done. What’s worse is that it usually takes at least a day or two to recover from an intense hyper-focusing session like that one. Jessica from How to ADHD shares a similar experience. Her video is linked below.
So What Can I Do About It?
Sometimes hyper-focusing isn’t bad. The key is knowing when to stop. That’s easier said than done. First, it means sticking to a schedule. I can set aside times to hyper focus on a project, and many times I can set phone alarms or other reminders to help me know when I need a break. There are days when I specifically schedule time with other people, time to run errands, and time to do other work that I may not like as much. In fact, I try to scatter those days into my schedule so that I have “down days” to recover from my time hyper-focusing on what I like.
As an adult, I’ve found that I can often regulate my ability to focus to some extent. Don’t expect a neurodivergent child or teens to be able to do that on their own. It’s learned over time, and there are still days when it doesn’t always work. In fact, there are many neurodivergent adults who simply don’t have the ability to regulate their focus to any extent. Try these tools, but there’s no guarantee they’ll work.
Something else I’ve found that helps is to involve other people. On those days when my extreme hyper focus kicks in, it usually takes someone physically tapping me on the shoulder or speaking directly to me in my face to tell me to take a break. On the particular day I described above, no alarms or personal needs could get my attention. I’m not even sure I took a bathroom break that day. And when my daughter came through the door and addressed me directly, it still took some time for my brain to realize that other living creatures who needed my attention had just entered my house and wanted to eat my food. There’s something about that physical interaction with another human being that can sometimes help break through the wall of hyper focus that shuts everything else out.
Here’s something else to be aware of if you’re a neurotypical person interacting with a neurodivergent thinker in the “hyper focus zone”. The reason we hyper focus is usually because we like whatever we’re doing. It’s enjoyable. When you break our focus it’s like your boss showing up to end your vacation early. As adults, we can often at least make some effort to communicate our disappointment appropriately and regulate our anger.
Kids, teens, and those who need more extensive support on the autism spectrum often do not regulate their emotional responses nearly so well. As a teacher, I often found it easier to break a student’s hyper focus from one desirable activity with another desirable activity (and timers are always a good tool to have handy). None of this is guaranteed to work, but it’s worth trying.
Advice for the Neurotypical People Putting Up with Us…
Ultimately, we can teach these positive coping strategies (timers, scheduling, social interaction, etc.) all day long for years, and it may or may not become easier for the neurodivergent thinker to regulate their ability to focus. Just remember:
- It’s not personal. They are not hyper-focusing to avoid you or make you angry. They are not ignoring you. Their minds have tuned everything else out, so they honestly don’t hear you or comprehend what you’re saying.
- Allow periods of time for hyper-focusing and for recovery. Overscheduling activities in addition to school and work can be stressful for neurotypical kids and teens. It can be agonizing for neurodivergent thinkers.
- Encourage the creativity found in hyper-focusing. Many neurodivergent thinkers do amazing work while hyper-focusing. Acknowledge and celebrate that.
What about you? What other advice or tools have you found helpful in dealing with your own tendency to hyperfocus or with those you care about most? Leave your comments and suggestion below. It may encourage someone else.
Here’s an ADDitude video explaining what hyper-focusing is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goakEF-MjhM
How to ADHD: Hyperfocus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfIxOiMJ5fI
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