“It’s like a paint can hit a wall.”
That was how one of my former students described what it felt like when she was faced with unexpected decisions. Her brain traveled so fast, that when an unexpected choice came up, she froze. Her brain went from 90 to 0 in half a second, like a wall was just thrown up in front of it, and it went splat. Making decisions and planning are real struggles because they use so many of our executive functioning skills. Let’s look at just a few of the many reasons indecision plagues neurodivergent thinkers.
House Cleaning: ADHD
Take my recent house cleaning as an example. I made a plan for filing papers, carefully looked at the papers and my options for where to put each one and choose the place that would help me meet my goal of clearing out clutter. If I need it, put it in the file. If I don’t need it, put it in the trash or shredding pile. Simple, right? Not for everyone. This is why some people struggle with clutter and hoarding.
Things don’t go as smoothly when it comes to cleaning the kids’ rooms. My child with ADHD can see the mess in her room and picture the room clean, but all the little steps and decisions that have to be made are overwhelming. I usually sit down with her once a week to clean her room, and I pick one thing up at a time to ask her where she’s going to put it. I don’t put it away for her, but once she decides where it goes, I put it in her hand so she can put it away.
Sometimes even breaking the task down like that is too overwhelming. There have been many times that I’ve asked her where something goes, and she looks frantically around her room from shelves, to drawers, to her desk, and finally starts crying because she doesn’t know. There are just too many options.
So many times she has come to the point of tears because she sees so many options that she’s paralyzed. She honestly doesn’t know which to choose. This is one reason so many children (and adults) with ADHD tend to procrastinate. Making the decisions is just too overwhelming.
House Cleaning: Autism
There are a lot of similarities when it comes to indecisiveness in ADHD and autism. Of course, this depends on the functioning level of the child with ASD. My child with ASD is very vocal and very able to clean his room. He looks around his room and may or may not recognize the mess. If I point out specific tasks like “put your dirty laundry in the basket” or “take your dirty dishes to the sink”, he then recognizes that this is a problem and does what I ask.
Up until that point, it’s likely that he could not visualize what his room should look like when it’s clean. He’s stuck in the moment and cannot picture the goal. If your brain isn’t thinking about the end result, it’s hard to make a plan to get there. If I have to point out specific items and ask him where something goes, he will look at it blankly and tell me he doesn’t know. The fact is that he hasn’t thought through what his options are. He’s not looking around the room to see his options. He’s busy looking at the item, and he can’t picture in his mind where it came from.
Breakfast Choices
By now you may be seeing a trend. My child with ADHD won’t make decisions because she’s overwhelmed with the options. She’s afraid of making the wrong choice, and she is staring down her “Wall of Awful”. My child with autism can’t visualize the end result and doesn’t know what his options are. Every question is unexpected.
Here’s another example you might hear on a typical Saturday morning at my house when I cook a big breakfast. I asked my child with ADHD what she wanted on her waffles. She says, “Syrup…no, berries…and cinnamon and syrup…or maybe whip cream….or just all of it.”
Then my child with autism comes in, and I ask him what he wants on his waffle. He says, “Eggs and bacon” partly because he wasn’t listening to the question and because he didn’t expect waffles. I get his attention and ask him again what he wanted on his waffles (making sure to point to the waffles). He looks at me and says, “But you always make eggs and bacon.” After several seconds he finally says, “I’ll take syrup and whip cream.”
He’s right, I usually make eggs and bacon, and he always has syrup and whip cream on his waffles. He never even looked at his other options on the counter. It wasn’t until he was halfway finished that he spots the berries on his sister’s waffles and says, “We had berries?”
Avoidance: Choice Paralysis
Jessica at How to ADHD has two videos linked below about “The Wall of Awful” and the role it plays in decision-making and task completion for people with ADHD. We all have our “Walls of Awful”, but for many neurodivergent thinkers, those walls are bigger and more challenging to climb. Think about how many more times the kid with ADHD gets corrected, blamed, or rejected compared to his or her peers. No wonder low self-esteem can be a problem. And with every failure (real or perceived) the walls get bigger.
Being paralyzed by too many options or not recognizing the options are just parts of the problem. Another issue for many neurodivergent thinkers is avoidance. Many with ADHD struggle with low self-esteem because they fully realize their mistakes. They often feel afraid of the embarrassment of being wrong much more deeply than many neurotypical thinkers. They are keenly aware that their choices are being judged by others, and they fear being called out for a wrong decision.
Many with Autism are rigid thinkers who won’t attempt something if it’s different and unless they know they’ll get it right. On the outside, it looks the same. Indecisiveness and procrastination.
Making It Easier
This is another one of those areas where I wish I could give a checklist or advice on how to help neurodivergent thinkers make decisions, but it’s not that easy. Sometimes neurodivergent thinkers need extra time to process information or to understand their options. Sometimes the big decisions need to be broken down into little decisions. One thing I have found that consistently makes decision-making easier is the company we keep. Neurodivergent thinkers who have friends or people they trust to help them process the options and encourage them to make good choices can make all the difference. I pray my kids will have friends throughout their lives to encourage them to make good choices.
“As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 ESV
https://www.theminiadhdcoach.com/adhd-symptoms/adhd-indecisiveness
