Communicating is hard for neurodivergent thinkers! Lately, it seems like the biggest issue in my house is social filters…or the lack of social filters. Social filters are just one of many communication issues neurodivergent thinkers face. I’d like to say it’s just my kids with autism and ADHD, but I’ve been sucked into the vortex of literal thinking, misidentifying emotions, and just plain talking before I think too. And it all goes back to…you guessed it…executive functioning.
Most of us have social filters located in the prefrontal cortex, which is where executive functioning tasks take place. As adults, most of us have had plenty of training when it comes to using social filters, and while we occasionally slip up, it’s not something that happens daily. Neurotypical people still mess up occasionally, but neurodivergent thinkers often live in a perpetual state of misusing (or not using) their social filters.
That’s where I found myself a few days ago at church. It all started when I first opened my mouth to ask one of the ladies at church if her husband was feeling better, but the person I asked about wasn’t her husband. I just totally misidentified the person. A few minutes later someone shared something very serious, but for a second I thought she was joking so I laughed. I misread her facial expressions. Then I made a joke about somebody making a run for it to avoid being volunteered for something, but I forgot that the person recently had to start using a wheelchair to get around.
My social filter and I hadn’t been there 10 minutes before my filter threw in the towel and said, “That’s it! You’re on your own!” To save my husband from any embarrassment, I won’t tell you about the slip-up that had us both laughing only a few minutes after that.
The Problem
It’s true that some people with autism have poorly developed social filters, and they’re liable to say just about anything and not realize what they’ve communicated. That’s one type of executive functioning impairment. When you pair the poor social filters with the inability to read social cues, you get the communication catastrophes that many people with autism find themselves in…even if they don’t realize it.
For other neurodivergent thinkers, like those with ADHD, the filter exists. The problem is that the words fly through their brains and out of their mouths while the part of their brain with the social filter is still daydreaming about trying out the new ice cream shop in town. Very often, the moment the words are out of their mouths, the social filter wakes up and says, “What was that?!”. They may visibly cringe or start trying to apologize, but the damage is done.
In addition to the executive functioning issues with social filters, many neurodivergent thinkers may struggle with finding the right words in any given situation. Some may also experience temporary mutism when caught in unexpected or stressful situations. I’ve also experienced students with ADHD speaking so fast that they get tongue-tied and can’t get the words out. All of these issues go back to the fact that neurodivergent thinking deeply affects a person’s ability to communicate.
This is a huge topic, so I’m sure I’ll write about it again. I’ve been surprised that there’s so little information available on it. I tried doing some research on this topic because it is so common, but most of what I found were programs to help train a person to think before they speak or videos for neurotypical thinkers on how to communicate with neurodivergent thinkers. Those things are great tools, but that’s not what I was looking for. There really wasn’t much out there explaining what was going on inside a neurodivergent thinker’s brain to explain why it‘s so hard to communicate and especially to use social filters.
Autism: The Literal Thinker
At one point this week I was trying to put my shoes on while redirecting my daughter to a task she’d forgotten…and responding to an email…while trying to figure out what I’d cook for dinner. You know, typical mom multitasking. It wasn’t until I got my first shoe on that I realized it was on the wrong foot.
Me: “Am I going crazy or something? What’s wrong with my shoe?”
My son: “Here, let me see your shoes, and I’ll tell you if you’re going crazy.”
Me: “My shoes won’t tell you if I’m crazy.”
My son: “No. They say New Balance.”
What made it worse is that he was totally serious as he proceeded to come over and examine my shoes, and he couldn’t understand why I was laughing. That’s a funny example from this week. Then there was a comment made by a school staff member that he took seriously and proceeded to tell every neighbor that the entire school staff was going to be fired. (Not even remotely true.) Or when he told one of the neighbors what was wrong with the grass in her front yard.
One of the common traits of many people with autism is that they are often rigid, literal thinkers. They categorize things as black or white, right or wrong, truth or lie. There’s no in-between. Emily from Authentically Emily has one of the most concise explanations I’ve seen for why many people with autism struggle so much with how they communicate things.
“We also tend to say things very bluntly, because our thinking is so literal. This can be interpreted as rude. Our unfiltered honesty can get us into trouble. We say things exactly as they are. This can be hurtful, and I know this is something many of us work really hard on, because we don’t want to be hurtful.”
Many neurodivergent thinkers I know echo that last thought. They don’t set out to hurt people. They’re not being narcissistic or manipulative. They often don’t realize that their words are hurtful until after they’ve spoken. Sometimes even then they need someone else to explain why their words were hurtful or taken the wrong way. They don’t always pick up on social cues to know if someone is upset by their words. That also means that they often don’t understand when people laugh at what they say either.
Another thing to remember is that there’s an emotional side to communication. Communicating emotions is a multi-step process. First, you have to look at the other person’s face and body language. Many of my former students practiced identifying emotions by looking at faces almost daily. Once your brain identifies the emotion, you have to decide which emotion to use in response. That emotional response has to match the tone and message you speak. For neurotypical teens and adults, this happens so quickly that they don’t even think about it. The reality is that it’s a complicated process, and a lot can (and does) go wrong for neurodivergent thinkers.
ADHD: My Filter Was Daydreaming
My ADHD thinkers have some of the same problems with verbal filters, but for different reasons. First, their brains go so fast that the words are out of their mouth before the frontal cortex has a chance to stop them. They (and their prefrontal cortex) often realize their mistake about 2 seconds too late. Many times the look on their faces says it all. They instantly regret saying what they did.
In my house, it went something like this: We were getting ready to eat hamburgers. My son is on a gluten-free diet, but the only hamburger buns we had were notgluten-freee. Before I even have a chance to finish telling my son how to handle it, my daughter blurts out:
“HIS BUNS ARE MINE!…Wait…no…that’s not what I meant! STOP LAUGHING!”
One of the differences between many of the people I know with ADHD and those with autism is that people with ADHD are often very sensitive and aware of the emotions involved. This is just one of several little pep talks I had to give this week after a verbal slip-up. There’s usually no need to explain what they said wrong. They know, they’re probably kicking themselves for saying it, and they will likely lay awake at night replaying it in agonizing detail thinking about what they should have said instead.
Part of the problem is that conversations happen in real-time, but the ADHD brain runs at twice that speed, and executive functioning at half speed. Social skills programs taught in schools usually focus on training a child to stop and think before they speak. That’s a great skill to learn for all of us, but it doesn’t always work. Even with the best teachers and training programs, it takes personal effort to consciously think before speaking. And even those ADHD thinkers who seem to have this skill will occasionally slip up…and usually at the worst (or funniest) moments.
A Few Suggestions
Using social filters will always be a challenge for neurodivergent thinkers. There’s no way to fully avoid it. Here are a few ways I’ve found that help neurodivergent thinkers communicate:
- Don’t take it personally. I know that can be hard. It’s very easy to be offended, but the wisest people I know are slow to anger.
- Ask questions. Did the person really mean to say that? Do they realize what they said and how it was taken?
- Laugh together. A healthy sense of humor can make all the difference. Remember, they can’t laugh at you if you’re laughing too.
- Show grace. We all make mistakes sometimes.
I’ve added a few videos that offer more ideas on communicating with neurodivergent thinkers. Hopefully, these ideas help. If you have more ideas, experiences, or funny stories feel free to leave them in the comment section below.
Dan at The Aspie World trait #3 on Talking to Autistic People
The Aspie World- This is How to Communicate with an Autistic Person
Jonathan Carroll gives neurodivergent thinkers a few tips for communicating.
