We’re only one week into summer break, and the fighting has started already. It began with the kids picking at each other, but it quickly escalated to include me. At first I wrote it off as sibling rivalry or just plain crankiness because we’ve had so much going on, but it didn’t take long before I figured out the real culprit…avoidance. At least that’s how it started.
I’m used to the tantrums when it comes to room cleaning or schoolwork. Those are obvious ways to avoid those non-preferred tasks. They don’t phase me, and my kids know that it won’t get them out of doing whatever it is they need to do. That doesn’t stop them from trying, but they know it doesn’t work.
But They’re Sneaky
Fighting is more subtle. It takes some time to realize that their brains are saying, “Hey, if you can pick a fight with Mom, you’ll get her sidetracked, and she’ll forget what she told you to do.” Yes, that means getting negative attention, but sometimes (at least in their minds) negative attention is better than the task they’ve been told to do.
This isn’t an epiphany. I’ve known it for many years. My junior high kids (many with ADHD and learning disabilities) taught me this trick early on. They look for teachers who are easy to distract or are easily angered because they know those undesirable tasks are coming, and they want to be armed and ready.
It’s still easy to get sucked into the fight if you’re not looking at the big picture and analyzing the motives driving the behavior. And believe me, taking the time to look at the root cause (or the function of the behavior for all my behavior specialists out there) is beyond difficult when there’s a defiant kid in your face calling you names, blaming you for everything under the sun, accusing you of things, or giving you a guilt trip.
My “Aha!” Moment
My “Aha!” moment happened early in my teaching career. I corrected a student for talking during a test, and his response was, “You’re just racist! You’re picking on my because I’m black!” Those were his words, not mine. The fact that he was an African American hadn’t even crossed my mind until that point. I got on to him because he was the only one talking during a test. What does that have to do with race, religion, or anything else?
Of course, he was looking for the knee-jerk reaction and counting on me rushing to defend myself, which would escalate into a fight until he was sent to the office…which of course got him out of taking the test. I opened my mouth to respond, but then took a deep breath as all this occurred to me at once. Instead, I took a deep breath and scanned the room.
This kid decided to repeat himself loud enough the classes around us heard. I jotted down a note without looking at him. The third time he threw a book and flipped his desk. For everyone’s safety, he went to the office…where he had to finish his test sitting right next to the counselor and his mom. This kid hated me, spread rumors about me, and called me names all in an effort to avoid going to my class or doing any work that year. The name of his game was avoidance, and that time he lost.
In My Own Home
I have to admit, it’s easier to separate myself from a fight when it’s not my own kid. Last week it took me a whole day before I finally figured out that one of mine would rather pick a fight with the other one over chores than actually do any chores. Then there was the fight over the dinner menu to avoid reading a library book. And lest I forget the fight over the pool vacuum to avoid getting out of the pool. It’s going to be a long summer.
Of course avoidance isn’t the only reason kids will try to suck you in to their arguments, but it’s one common reason that a lot of parents don’t think about. While the behavior is a little more common among the ADHD crowd, the truth is that neurodivergent thinkers are not the only ones who use this strategy.
What Does It Have To Do With Neurodiversity?
The thing I have to keep in mind when I’m dealing with a neurodivergent thinker trying to pick a fight is that they often struggle to regulate their emotions. Their minds may be in a state of dysregulation, and you’ve heard the saying that misery loves company. Unregulated emotions like to hang out with other unregulated emotions.
When one of my neurodivergent kids or students started picking a fight to avoid a task, they quickly became so emotionally wrapped up in the fear, dread, and other emotions that whatever processing and coping skills they had working are quickly gone. They are a bundle of emotions, and they want you to become an unregulated bundle of emotions with them.
For my neuro-normal students, I could say, “You’re trying to pick a fight because you don’t want to do ________.” They knew I was right and either gave up or tried think of a different strategy. When I’ve called my neurodivergent thinkers out like that, they go into an emotional tailspin. It can look like a tantrum, pity party, more fighting, blaming, or name calling. The emotional dysregulation has made them forget all about their original reason for fighting.
Advice For Myself
There are a lot of little tricks and skills I picked up in the classroom to help deal with this, and I have to remind myself of them often.
Rule #1: Don’t fight back. It takes at least two people to argue. If your kid is fighting with themselves, that’s an entirely different problem that’s not discussed in this post. Don’t get sucked into their argument.
Rule #2: Don’t take it personally. That’s a hard one. This week I’ve been accused of being the worst mother in the world, playing favorites, starving my kids to death (because I wouldn’t flag down the ice cream truck), and other moments of sheer incompetence. Then they did whatever task they didn’t want to do, and their attitudes amazingly changed. Natural consequences helped a lot.
Rule #3: Breathe. Before you get defensive, stop and ask yourself why they are picking a fight with you. It’s all fun and games to them until you figure out the function of the behavior.
Rule #4: Teach emotional regulation strategies. You’re not the only one who needs to take a few deep breaths to maintain control.
Rule #5: Don’t give in.
A Few Other Resources
I’ve listed some resources below that I found helpful and encouraging. Maybe they’ll help some of you enjoy your summer and encourage you like they did me.
ADHD Dude: Arguing with Kids https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7na56R7l36I
