Neurodiversity and the Art of Listening- Part 1 -

Listening can be a lost art for many Americans regardless of how our brains are wired. During the time I lived in Africa years ago, two of the people I worked with pointed that out multiple times. I think many neurotypical thinkers truly believe they can multitask and save time by doing other tasks while listening. I also know without a doubt that listening skills are not taught nearly enough either in schools or at home.

So what does that have to do with neurodiversity? If neurotypical thinkers struggle so much with listening, you can bet that neurodivergent thinkers struggle that much more. There are many reasons for this, but two of the main reasons have to do with attention and processing. Since both are big issues, we’ll deal with each one in separate blogs.

Overheard conversation

This is a conversation I overheard at Thanksgiving a few weeks ago:

Uncle: Did you enjoy the turkey?

Son: Yes, but I’m training a cow to show.

Uncle: What does that have to do with dinner?

Son: …I thought we were talking about cows.

There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Many neurodivergent thinkers struggle with both for different reasons. In this case, my son heard the first question, but he wasn’t really listening. He was focused on one of his hobbies. He didn’t relate to the first question because dinner was over whether he liked it or not, and so his response was way off. Sound familiar?

Pay Attention

Let’s face it, it takes time and energy to pay attention to someone else. The ability to attend to a speaker…or anything else…is not a skill most people with neurodiversity have in abundance. The ability to focus on what someone is saying goes back to those executive functioning skills that are such a struggle. Poor auditory attention is one of two major issues neurodivergent thinkers face. We’ll talk about the other issue in part 2 of this blog.

Some people with ADHD can’t slow their brains down long enough to focus on the speaker. They speak fast and expect other people to as well. Of course, speaking fast can lead to saying things you never meant to say. You can read more about that in my previous blog called “I Can’t Believe I Said That!”. Listening to a slow speaker, or even a normal speaker, can be agonizing. No wonder it’s easy to tune out.

That leads to another problem many neurodivergent thinkers face…distractions. We rarely communicate in a vacuum. There’s always background noise, other people talking, cars passing, dogs barking, music playing, etc. Something as simple as a ticking clock or buzzing light is often all it takes to cause us to lose focus and tune out the speaker.

Sometimes those background noise can lead to sensory overload. We see this a lot in people with autism, but the truth is that we’ve all experienced it at some level. The difference is that sensory overload for a neurotypical thinker comes at a loud concert with flashing lights and fireworks. For neurodivergent thinkers, sensory overload can happen when the noise level is perceived to be loud. That means it can happen over a discussion at the dinner table or because the TV is on at a normal level. Either way, paying attention in the middle of a sensory overload is nearly impossible, even for people with good auditory attention.

Tools

Teaching active listening skills rarely comes from a book or lesson plan, but that doesn’t mean there are no tools to help us. Many of these come in the form of coping skills. Here are a few ways I’ve found to help someone be a better listener and pay attention.

Move to a quieter room. If there’s too much background noise, I often look for a quieter place to talk with one or two people instead of a large group. If the kids have the TV on and the phone rings, I get up and move.

Another way to help you’re neurodivergent listener who is struggling to stay focused, make your message interactive. Add some motions, hand cues, or other activities to what you’re saying. It may be as simple as, “Here, help me dry these dishes while we talk about your math homework.” Maybe it’s pointing to what you’re talking about, motioning towards the clock when you’re talking about the schedule, or putting a hand on their shoulder as you talk. Physical touch and movement help all of us refocus and pay attention.

Some people need repetition to help them stay focused. Don’t be afraid to rephrase things or repeat them. Better yet, have the listener repeat something you said. At least you’ll know they’re hearing you, and it will be easier to identify any processing issues they may have.