Amy Tindell *If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2 of the series, make sure you check them out.
The people with ADHD in my life can be a lot of fun…and ingenious…and exasperating…and infuriating… you get the idea. There are a lot of great things about the ADD / ADHD brain. People with ADD / ADHD think uniquely and have big feelings. Many of them live by the motto “Go big or go home”. Big thoughts, big ideas, and big emotions can all be great things.
While there are many great things about thinkers with ADD/ ADHD, today we’re talking about emotional regulation, which can be a struggle. This can look different in each person, so let’s break it down with a few examples, both from my own experience and from others.
“The Paint Dump”- Drama Queen
Last week my daughter almost forgot to get off the bus at her stop. She was so busy talking to her friend that she didn’t even notice the bus was on our street. In fact, if I hadn’t flagged down the driver who then called her name over the speaker, she probably wouldn’t have noticed for another 20-30 minutes. She was obviously embarrassed.
Once we got back to the house, she went to the refrigerator to get a snack, and I made the mistake of choosing that moment to ask about her day. She lost it. She sat on the floor sobbing and telling me things I couldn’t even begin to understand because she was so upset. Her words were absolutely unintelligible. When she finally did calm down enough the speak coherently, the explanation she gave was a five-minute run-on sentence covering everything from her friends arguing to the lunchroom milk to the test she didn’t finish…you get the idea. Then, at the very end, she added a funny joke she had heard in PE and giggled.
She’s not bipolar, I can assure you. Here’s what was actually happening. All day she was faced with one situation after another (good and bad). Each time she picked a tool out of her emotional toolbox, but instead of using it and putting it back, she kept holding on to the tools until she couldn’t carry anymore, and that’s when they all hit the floor. She didn’t have the time she needed to process everything, and when it reached the breaking point, it all came out. And yes, many kids and adults hold it together until they get home, so the family usually sees the ugly side of these breakdowns.
I sometimes call these little breakdowns a “paint dump”. When I was little I would ride with my dad when he biked. One day we came to a spot on the road where a full paint can had fallen and busted open leaving paint everywhere. So, I did the obvious thing for a 3-year-old. I asked my dad what bird made that mess.
Sometimes we all go through seasons of emotional stress, and we have a “paint dump” of emotions when we can’t carry anything else. It’s just more common in people who have ADD and ADHD because they need extra time to figure things out and process what they’re feeling. Unfortunately, that can leave the people they’re closest to covered in “paint”.
The “Paint Dump”-Tazmanian Devil Style
For me, my daughter may cry during these “paint dumps”, but not with her brother. If it’s her brother (or sometimes her dad) frustrating her, she doesn’t turn on the tears. Her go-to reaction is anger. Actually, rage is probably a more appropriate word. That’s really when the mean words come out. Hitting, throwing, and kicking can go along to emphasize the point. Eventually the “paint dump” does end.
Outwardly, the tears and anger may look different, but the same thing is often triggering both. The person has been carrying around all these frustrations, anxiety, and emotions all day until they reach the breaking point, and these emotions can be BIG emotions.
Big Emotions Can Be Good
The emotions aren’t the problem. God gave us the gift of emotions to help us process and relate to others. The problem is what we do with them. As kids, many of us learned to make wise choices and use healthy coping skills. These aren’t skills we’re born with. Some kids have better examples to follow than others. When it comes to emotional development, our friends with ADD/ ADHD are often behind in the game no matter how well those lessons are taught.
I have a friend slightly older than me who has ADHD and experiences those big emotions. She’s what some people might call “sensitive”. She’s a good friend and fun to be around, but when she experiences those big emotions, she will often excuse herself to step away from a situation and process those feelings before reacting. It doesn’t always work, but it’s taken her over 40 years to recognize when she needs that space and has learned how to use that strategy with some success.
I have another friend who took up boxing as a coping strategy for his ADHD. He’s in his 50’s. When he feels like he’s about to blow up with anger, he grabs the boxing gloves and heads to his punching bag hanging in the garage. My point in sharing about these two friends is to show that it is possible to learn healthy coping skills with ADHD. It may just take a much longer time to learn.
Regardless of what type of BIG emotions you see on the outside, it all boils down to emotional dysregulation. The healthy coping skills that so many kids learn early in life can elude people with ADD and ADHD. These coping strategies have to be explicitly taught and practiced…again, and again, and again. Having a safe person to help them practice and process those emotions in a safe place can be a huge game changer for some people with ADD/ ADHD.
So how do I survive a “paint dump”?
- Stay calm. Be the adult. Trust me, they’ve got enough emotions for everyone. Don’t get sucked into their outburst. This is not the time to get defensive or argue. You won’t win.
- Once they’re calm, take the time to process all those emotions. Taking the time to acknowledge those emotions and figure out what led to the outburst helps everyone involved understand and brainstorm ideas for how to use better coping strategies next time.
- Explaining is not excusing. Hopefully, you’ve gotten a glimpse into the ADD/ ADHD mind, but knowing what’s going on in their heads doesn’t excuse the behavior. These emotional meltdowns often lead to the person saying or doing things that damage relationships. Once they’re calm, they need to know that what they’ve said or done has hurt you and your relationship with them. They need the opportunity to truly apologize and make things right. There are still consequences for their choices, but we can support and encourage them as they deal with those consequences.
Resources
Sometimes the best way to understand something about ADD/ ADHD is to hear it from someone who has ADD or ADHD. One of my favorite descriptions of what’s going on in the brain of someone with ADD / ADHD comes from Jessica’s video on “ADD and Emotional Regulation: What You Need to Know”. She has ADHD and her YouTube channel called “How to ADHD” can help us see what’s going on in the mind of someone with ADD/ADHD.
I know I included this in the last post, but one of my student’s favorite book series to help teach emotional regulation and making good choices is the “What Should Danny Do?” series of books.
ADDept.org also has a great article looking at how people with ADD and ADHD process anger and the real emotions behind the anger.
https://www.addept.org/living-with-adult-add-adhd/adhd-and-anger-adults
I hope this has helped. If you have other ideas or experiences feel free to leave a comment.
