I don’t have to tell you that neurodiversity in all forms affects our emotions. It’s one of the most obvious indicators of neurodivergence. Even neurotypical people struggle with this one. As a parent and teacher, I have found that there are many misconceptions about emotions, people work on different definitions of emotions, and people have different goals driving how they use emotions. For the purpose of understanding, let me set the stage.
Things like love, hate, freedom, loyalty, and so on are not emotions. They are ideas or concepts. Emotions like joy, anger, sorrow, worry, regret, etc. are the emotions we attach to those ideas to help us process how to act based on those ideas and how we relate to others. They are the tools that connect how we perceive the world around us and determine what we do about it. So what does that mean to us?
Emotions are tools just like time or money. Emotions allow us the ability to process thoughts and relate to others. They can help solve issues or make them worse. Emotions can be used wisely or unwisely. I’ve heard several educators and other professionals use the analogy of the toolbox. In whatever career you’ve chosen, you have a set of skills (or tools) in your toolbox that help you do your job. We have a toolbox for parenting, a toolbox for hobbies, a toolbox for studying…and of course, we have our emotional toolbox.
For most neurotypical adults, using your emotional toolbox might look something like this: You greet your neighbor as you’re getting your mail and start to talk. You find out that her mother just passed away. You recognize the sadness she feels, and you begin to empathize. You go to your toolbox and pull out your tool for sadness. By experiencing that sadness together, you relate to your neighbor. This emotional connection may prompt you to action, such as making a meal for the family or sending a sympathy card. some people have more tools than others.
Generally, I’ve found that people with neurodiversity struggle more than others with knowing what tools to use when, how to use specific tools, or with not having the right tools. Some people have more tools than others. Outwardly, this can look like the person shows little to no emotion for many of those on the Autism spectrum. In ADHD, it can be the total opposite. Their emotions take over with no regulation.
Let’s go to the toolbox for examples. When my son needs to “fix” something emotionally, he will go to his toolbox and sort through his limited tools. He will find one he thinks might work, clumsily try it, and sometimes need outside help to figure out if it will work. If it’s the wrong tool, he goes back to the toolbox to pick another tool and go through the process again. Through this entire process, he looks like he lacks any emotion or is totally apathetic towards the situation.
For people on the Autism spectrum, this can be typical…and exhausting. It can take a lot of trial and error before they figure out which emotion they’re supposed to use in a given situation and how to use it correctly. It can be agonizing to watch at times. My son can be very empathetic, but it usually takes coaching to help him figure out how to see things from someone else’s perspective and use the right emotion to build a relationship instead of damaging it. I have to admit, I need help with this sometimes myself.
Back to the toolbox with my daughter. If something needs to be fixed, it automatically falls into the category of “crisis”. Enter the drama queen! She frantically rips through the toolbox grabbing handfuls of tools that may or may not be appropriate. Sometimes she looks right over the tool she needs. Once she has her hands full of tools she becomes frustrated and throws all the tools back at the toolbox leaving dents and chipped paint along the way.
For people with ADHD, this may look like a person with a short temper, or one who cries at the smallest thing. It could look like that person who is the life of the party who tries to ignore problems and make people laugh. The emotions are there. The problem is regulation.
Thomas E. Brown writes in his article “7 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions”:
“A momentary emotion can gobble up all of the space in the brain, just like a computer bug can devour a whole hard drive. That one emotion crowds out any other information that might help modulate the feeling and regulate behavior.” *
In my house, that means the moment my daughter gets angry, I hear the yell and know the fists are up. She’s gotten much better about not using those fists, but that’s taken a lot of time and energy to teach. When she does calm down, I may ask her what she was thinking, and she will give me the typical ADHD answer—“I don’t know”. She’s not lying. The emotions in her brain got too big and crowded out the thinking. She was not thinking and jumped straight to acting. Sound familiar?
There are many aspects of neurodivergent thinking that I love and enjoy. There are aspects of their thinking that we shouldn’t try to change. They are part of what makes them unique. However, this isn’t one of those areas. Emotional intelligence takes much more time and energy to learn for people who are neurodiverse, but it’s a skill we all need because it has probably the greatest effect on our relationships.
When someone doesn’t react in an appropriate way, it can damage the family relationships and friendships they have. No one wants to be in a relationship driven by temper tantrums, violence, emotionally draining drama, and the instability of not knowing how someone who is neurodivergent will react. Not many people have the patience to sit around while someone sorts through their emotional toolbox for hours (or weeks or years) trying to figure things out and displaying apathy the whole time.
Relationships are important. God designed us to be in relationships with Him and others. Taking the time to coach our friends and family who are neurodivergent through this process takes time and patience, but it’s worth it. We may never come close to perfecting this skill by the world’s standards, but the more progress we make, the more we thrive in our families and friendships. And that’s really what we want for everyone—the ability to thrive.
Successfully coaching our kids and others through this process takes patience and wisdom. Recognize that the goals I have for helping my kids relate to others may look very different from yours. I had one student who spent three years with me just learning when to smile and when not to smile. Any success is still a success. Don’t compare your child who is neurodiverse with other kids. That defeats the point of neurodiversity. Enjoy the people with neurodiversity in your life, and look for those teachable moments to help them use their emotions wisely.
*Brown, Thomas E, Ph. D. “7 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions”. ADDitude Magazine. Dec. 13, 2021
https://www.attitudemag.com/adhd-emotional-regulation-video/
