I knew when I wrote the original “Five Finger Discount” blog several months ago, that I’d have to write more on the struggle some of our neurodivergent thinkers have with stealing. Impulse control is a big factor, but this week we faced another monster…emotional regulation. Keep reading and I’ll explain.
Just Like Any Other Week…
Okay, that’s a lie. School just started back. It was my son’s birthday. The couch and microwave “accidentally” broke. The heat index is still over 115. Both kids were coming home unhappy with substitute teachers and buses without air conditioning. Then you add in the band trumpet bullies and some hard conversations about life. Both my kids had a lot of emotions to process.
Then my daughter came home sick with a cold. Emotional dysregulation and free time don’t mix, so in spite of my best efforts to keep her busy, she still found time to get into my bathroom and go through my makeup. And she just happened to pick up my purse on the way back to her room because there was lipstick in there too.
It wasn’t until a few hours later when I saw her carrying my lipstick that I realized my purse wasn’t where I’d left it…and it was empty. I found my makeup in her makeup drawer, my $20 bill and change in with her money, and my pens on her desk.
The Function of the Behavior
Let me put on my behavior analyst cap for a minute and share what many special ed teachers and behavior specialists already know. All behavior has a function or a purpose. The behavior is what you see on the outside. You can address the behavior in the form of reward or punishment, but if you stop there, you miss out on getting to the heart of the problem. Behavior specialists have long lists of possible reasons for different behaviors such as wanting attention, meeting needs, low self-worth, avoiding certain tasks, and so on. If you figure out the reason why the behavior is happening, you can address that issue and the behavior together. It saves a lot of time and energy to figure out the function of the behavior.
Determining the function of the behavior doesn’t excuse the behavior or take away the consequences. However, it may help you chose the consequences that will be most effective in curbing the unwanted behavior.
Back To My Purse
So why did my daughter take my purse and try to pass the contents off as her own? After going back over the events of the week, discussing it with a social worker (who happens to be my sister), and talking with my daughter, I had a pretty good idea. It all boiled down to two words- comfort and control.
It was a busy week. My daughter was jealous of her brother getting extra attention for his birthday. She felt out of control with so many of the situations at school. She felt guilty about breaking things due to thoughtless behaviors that she knew she should have controlled.
Many neurodivergent thinkers experience delays in their executive functioning skills like emotional regulation. For my daughter, the inability to regulate all that jealousy, guilt, and helplessness was to find something comforting that she could control. Those comfort items just happened to include my makeup, pens, and cash.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Nicholeen Peck touches on the connection between comfort and control and stealing at about the 2:30 minute mark in the video linked below. She goes on to make a few good points about handling the situation.
- Remember, it’s not personal. Getting upset won’t solve the problem.
- Explaining the behavior doesn’t excuse it. There are still consequences.
- The ability to recognize the temptation and walk away is a learned skill.
In this particular situation, I had to meet my daughter’s need for comfort and control before I could discipline her behavior. This meant spending some time helping her organize her schoolwork and get caught up, helping her process some of the challenges she was facing at school, and having her help fix what she broke. Naturally, that meant she got a little extra attention. There were additional consequences, but she is in a much better place to handle them because we dealt with the root cause of the behavior.
Please Share
One of the main reasons I write about my experiences is to help parents know that they’re not alone. Please feel free to share your experiences and ideas in the comment section below. You never know who might need to read about it and be encouraged.
