Family gatherings around the holidays and New Year’s parties are prime times for masking. It’s something we all do. We learn at a young age how to act confident when we’re nervous or be brave when we’re scared. For neurodivergent thinkers, masking often goes beyond emotions. There are many quirks, habits, and behaviors neurodivergent thinkers use to provide stress relief, as coping mechanisms, and to help with general functioning. However, there are times when it’s not convenient or appropriate to show these tendencies, so people with ADD/ ADHD and high-functioning Autism choose to mask them or suppress them in a given setting.
It Saves Time and Energy
Some neurodivergent thinkers choose to mask their tendencies in large groups or gatherings because it’s easier than trying to explain their ADHD or Autism. It’s a little like me going to school even when I’m sick because trying to prepare for a sub is just so much more work. Masking can be exhausting, but trying to explain is even more work.
In recent years, people have become more aware of ADHD and Autism, so it’s easier to say “he flaps his hands because he has Autism” or “I just can’t concentrate with all the noise because of my ADHD” (just two random examples). Many people have enough understanding of these tendencies to understand that there’s a reason for the way someone is behaving.
The problem is the stereotypes. Temple Gardner said, “If you’ve met one person with Autism, you’ve met one person with Autism.” Because neurodivergent thinking looks different in everyone, trying to explain that you have ADHD or Autism can give people just as many wrong ideas as it does right ideas. That’s why many neurodivergent thinkers find it easier to mask certain behaviors in short-term situations around people they see rarely or never again. It saves energy.
Social Acceptance
This is where things begin to get trickier. Masking behaviors to conform to a large group at a party, at a job interview, or when meeting someone for coffee is one thing. Those are relatively short periods of time. However, our need for social acceptance doesn’t end after only an hour or two. Some people choose to mask their behaviors for much longer periods of time. Some may try to mask these behaviors during the school or work day for many hours before coming home to express these behaviors. There are people who have the energy and ability to sustain their masking for those long periods of time, but most neurodivergent thinkers simply don’t have that ability.
In a recent editorial from the BBC, one writer was quoted as saying:
Many workers instead engage in “masking” to compensate. It’s an idea of ‘who do I need to present as to be accepted?’ … restraining oneself from a lot of natural impulses just to fit in with colleagues. Masking can be effective for a short period of time, but it is rarely sustainable and often depleting. It’s almost like minimizing your own identity to conform with social norms … It’s uncomfortable, and it’s exhausting, and if you do it enough, you can lose track of who is behind the mask.
A Safe Place
Neurodivergent thinkers need a safe place to express these self-soothing behaviors and coping skills. As a parent, I feel that part of my job is to make sure my kids know that it’s okay to pace, hand flap, get squeeze hugs, and hang upside down on the couch while they’re at home. They have a safe place around safe people. Everyone needs that safe place to relax and be themselves. They need to know that there is a safe place where they won’t be judged, disciplined, or corrected for stimming.
The problem with masking is that not everyone has that safe place. Not having somewhere to decompress from the day and be yourself can lead to anxiety, depression, and a whole list of other issues that neurodivergent thinkers already struggle with so often.
Some people also have the added benefit of having a safe place at work or school. Maybe they’ve already explained their behavior to the small group of people they work with, and their behavior has been accepted. Schools are embracing the idea of sensory rooms for students who need a safe place to stim and relax periodically to make it through the day.
How do we make this a reality for the many people who do not have these luxuries? We can do things like sponsor sensory rooms in local schools and educate employees about the specific behaviors they may observe in neurodivergent peers. However, probably the best thing we can do is to be that safe person and create a safe space to the best of our ability.
As parents, we are in the best position to recognize the behaviors our kids “hold in” when they’re in public, and we see the explosion of the behavior the moment they get home. Many of us can practically see the mask come off the moment they walk through the door. We also probably have a good idea about what they need. Is it an hour of quiet in their rooms? Time to hang upside down off the couch, swing, or pace around the backyard? Do they need exercise or time to talk and process things? Maybe they just need to have a good cry before they do anything. Masking is stressful.
Knowing What to Say
There are some things we can do to help our neurodivergent kids when it comes to masking besides giving them a safe place. We can teach self-advocacy. Help them learn how to ask for a break and explain why they need a break to someone who doesn’t know them as well. Adults who speak up for themselves tactfully and respectfully were usually taught to do that by a parent or teacher. It doesn’t come naturally, and it’s certainly not portrayed in the media.
Neurodivergent people who are comfortable in public without masking behaviors are often the ones who have friends and family who emphasize the positive. Let’s face it, nobody wants to hang out with someone who publicly points out their faults. We all need an encourager in our lives. Neurodivergent adults who have the self-confidence to acknowledge and even joke about behaviors like stimming, weren’t usually born with that confidence. They learned it from the example and encouragement of others.
Back by popular demand…
The “How to ADHD” videos I’ve linked to have been popular, and I think they do a great job describing masking with its benefits and dangers. That video is linked below.
As always when I talk about anxiety and depression, I want to remind anyone who is feeling overwhelmed or having thoughts of suicide to call the national suicide hotline at 988. You are not alone.
How to ADHD: What is Masking
