Over the last week, I’ve been reminded again of just how much my physical limits have changed. I look at what I can do now and compare it to the 30-something me that would push through the pain, teach special needs teenagers, take care of my family, lead church ministries, and still find a way to welcome foster kids into our home. Or the 20-something me that traveled the world, earned multiple degrees, and overcame the physical pain after a major car accident. God has allowed me to experience some amazing things and given me a spirit of tenacity to overcome many obstacles, but it came at a price.
Whether it was the constant hurry, the exhaustion, the physical pain, or the frustration over all the things I couldn’t get done…I wasn’t free. I remember standing at the top of Sandia Mountain one evening looking at the sunset across the city and far beyond and feeling trapped. I prayed to experience the wide-open spaces I could only see on those rare occasions. For the longest time I had Psalms 38:21 (Msg) written on my bathroom mirror in dry erase marker:
“I want some wide-open space in my life!”
That elusive freedom…that wide-open space… was a place without limits. Some people are enslaved by the lie that they have to earn their salvation or that their worth is tied to their works or wealth. I knew better. The lie that I bought into was much more subtle. I bought into the lie that God’s freedom would give me a feeling of limitlessness. I bought the lie that my physical and emotional limits were bad and that I had to fight against those limits to experience my wide-open space with God. Time was the enemy, physical strength was something I could gain, and the pain was holding me back from everything I wanted to do.
A Change of Scenery
When we moved halfway across the country, I wasn’t fooled into thinking the change of scenery or social circles would offer the freedom I needed. We didn’t move because we thought that the “grass was greener” somewhere else. I believe God has us here for a reason, but over the last three years, I have been living in the Land of No. It’s a place of limits and failures.
I know that sounds completely negative, but it’s not. Sometimes God’s “no” is a blessing in disguise.
I asked for a teaching position I would love. Instead, I struggled for three years teaching in different schools before God took my career out of my hands and made me physically unable to teach.
I asked for physical health, and yet I find myself with more physical limits and pain than ever.
I prayed we would quickly build new friendships and be welcomed into the community, but God has given us a much smaller number of true friendships that have developed with great effort over time.
We prayed about what ministries to take part in, but each time we prayed about a ministry, God almost always said no.
I wanted financial security (not wealth, just the security of knowing the bills were paid, food was on the table, and we could live comfortably), but instead my income is gone, and my kids are learning about God’s provision.
From the world’s perspective, all my limits are keeping me from ministering to others, building more relationships, and thriving. From that perspective, the Land of No is a bitter place. My wide-open space is nonexistent.
The Truth
But the truth is that I’m learning to embrace my limits. They are given to me by God, not as a punishment or as a consequence of my own terrible decisions. I’ve made my share of those. God has given me limits because He is gracious and wants to teach me this truth: Just because God is limitless, doesn’t mean I was created to be limitless or that my limits take away from my freedom.
His limits are a gift to teach me just how big He really is. Honoring His limits is where I find rest and peace. It’s where I see Him provide and learn just how limitless He is and experience freedom. It’s a freedom from the rush, from the frustration over unfinished tasks, and from the guilt of not being able to be everything for everyone. I am still challenged to work within my limits and fight the battles God puts before me, but I no longer have to fight my limits or other battles I choose.
God gives us the gifts we need, not always the gifts we want. I am challenged every day to see His limits as a gift.
