Disclaimer: This post is not meant to excuse stealing or any other harmful behavior. Hopefully, it will help explain the thought process of some of our neurodivergent children, teens, and adults in a way that helps us understand the behavior and discipline appropriately. It does not address those who are not functioning at a cognitive level to know right from wrong. It also does not apply to people who plan to steal. If you stop long enough to know you’re stealing, the problem isn’t executive functioning. This post is strictly about those moments when short-term memory and executive functioning lapses lead to some uncomfortable situations.
At School…
I will never forget an incident that happened in my classroom years ago. I was in the middle of a lesson (I think it was on fractions), when I was interrupted by one of the girls yelling, “Hey! That’s mine! Give it back!” What followed was my first experience in separating a girl fight.
So what caused that whole scene? A ring. One of the girls had slipped a ring off her finger and set it on her desk. The girl next to her saw it, picked it up, and tried it on her own finger. The girl who picked it up told me angrily that she didn’t steal the ring, but as she began to calm down, I got her to tell her side of the story. Slowly, about halfway through the story, I could visibly see her brain start working, and as she began to really think about what had happened, she got this shocked look on her face. It was the moment her executive functioning kicked in, and she realized she had done something wrong.
Yes, both of these girls had been diagnosed with ADHD. I’m not saying that all people with ADHD steal things. What I’m saying is that there are some neurodivergent thinkers who might steal things, but not for the reasons you think. The problem is executive functioning, impulse control, and memory. Many of them know stealing is wrong and that it hurts others. They don’t wake up in the morning with a plan to steal something. There is no malicious intent. It’s a head problem, not a heart problem.
At the Store…
Here’s what it might look like from the parent’s perspective. You take your neurodivergent child to the store. During most of the trip, you are trying to shop for the things on your list in between correcting your child for doing summersaults into the cart or running away, or maybe dealing with a sensory meltdown. It’s stressful.
What you missed was the moment your child saw something that caught their attention. Maybe it was in a shiny or bright wrapper. Maybe all they saw was the chocolate on the package. Who knows why it caught their eye, but it did. On impulse, they pick it up and put it in their pocket. Then they promptly begin playing again, and in a fraction of a second, the thing in their pocket is totally forgotten…until they go to buckle themselves into the car seat and feel something in their pocket.
The moment they pull it out of their pocket, you can just see the realization hit. Now they remember putting it in their pocket. Now the cause-and-effect reasoning part of their brain kicks in. Some kids get scared and try to hide it. Others begin to cry because they feel guilty. Either way, they never consciously thought about stealing the item. If you ask them why they did it, they’ll probably tell you they don’t know or that they just forgot. Their short-term memory and executive functioning skills are to blame. They are telling you the truth when they say they don’t know why they did it or that they forgot.
Now imagine it being your teenager or even a young adult. It’s easy to see this happening to a little kid, but when you start dealing with neurodivergent thinkers, it gets a little more difficult. Neuronormal children can get caught in the situation above, but the difference is that they grow out of it and mature much faster than our neurodivergent kids.
One of my friends who has ADHD even experienced something like this in her late 20’s. She was shopping and talking to someone on her cell phone. When she got off the phone, she stuck the small item in her hand into her pocket and tossed her phone in the buggy. She finished shopping, never realizing her mistake. When she got to the register to check out, she found her phone in the buggy, which she thought was strange, but she put the phone in her purse without stopping to think about how it got there. It wasn’t until she tried to sit down in her car that she felt something poke her leg through her pocket that she realized what had happened. Her memory and executive functioning skills kicked in, but it was about 5 minutes too late to save her from an embarrassing conversation with the manager.
Handling the Situation
As a parent, what do you do? First, ask questions. As a parent, it’s my job to try to figure out if my child behaved this way out of an emotion like anger or greed (a heart issue) and planned their action, or if they truly forgot or lacked impulse control (a head issue). I’m not talking about heart issues in this post. I’m only addressing the head issues.
Like I said at the top, explaining is not excusing. Just because they forgot or failed to process what they were doing, doesn’t get them off the hook. You probably don’t have to teach them that stealing is wrong. If they’re upset or afraid, they probably already know that. But yelling at the poor child, berating them, or using physical discipline probably isn’t going to help much either. I’ve often seen where the embarrassment and shame the person experiences make more of an impression than any discipline we can invent.
Thankfully, the times I’ve had to deal with this were when my children were young, and I’ve experienced very gracious store managers who let me explain and then let us buy the item (which often got deducted from their allowance or was taken away) or return it. The first step is accountability, even if it’s embarrassing for us as parents. It also gives our kids the opportunity to see that our love is not negated by their actions. We have the chance to prove to them that we are their “safe space” where they will still be loved and encouraged to be honest.
Next, I would suggest giving them the tools to prevent these episodes in the future. I’ve gotten better about doing pocket checks before checking out. I don’t have to frisk my children. I just simply ask them to check their pockets. That’s when one might say, “Oh, I forgot I had this!” or something similar. With only a few exceptions, I usually hand the item to a store employee or cashier and ask them to put it back. Then I thank the child for their honesty. I’m not being sarcastic. I want them to know that their honesty just kept everyone (including them) out of trouble.
After I had been doing this a few months, one of my children caught on a would yell “POCKET CHECK” while we were standing in the checkout line, and they would both check their pockets. Yes, it was a little embarrassing, but it shows that we’ve done it enough that it’s become a habit. It allows them to self-check. That’s the goal. If my children are still silently doing pocket checks in the checkout line 20 or 30 years from now to keep from inadvertently stealing something, that’s fine with me.
Something else I’ve learned is to avoid the problem. There is one particular store full of all things shiny, sparkly, and fuzzy that I will not take my child to unless I can literally hold the their hand the whole time. Some parents avoid taking their children shopping altogether until they are older. For others, that’s not an option, but taking an extra adult with them to help may be. Some parents of neurodivergent teens offer to chaperone any trip to the mall or movies just for accountability. In any case, limiting certain situations and opportunities for a time can be a good option.
The Big Picture
Failing to address issues like stealing (and lying or other risky behaviors) is the worst thing we can do. If your kid or teen is struggling with stealing because of lapses in memory, impulse control, and executive functioning, they are probably living with fear and guilt over unresolved mistakes. These are two key factors that can lead to anxiety and depression. They often beat themselves up and put themselves down. Their self-image suffers. Those who don’t have support, positive examples, and the tools to know how to deal with the situation often find themselves caught in a pattern of stealing (and other risky behaviors), and they don’t know how to break the cycle.
I sometimes wonder how many people who are convicted of shoplifting or similar crimes are neurodivergent with limited executive functioning skills and began stealing because of memory, impulse control, and executive functioning issues. How many got caught in this cycle and simply gave up trying to fight it? How many neurodivergent teens and adults get caught shoplifting (or do it without getting caught) not because of greed or malice (a heart issue), but because they struggle with impulse control and executive functioning skills (a head issue)?
I know the short list above of ideas on how to handle stealing as a head issue barely scrapes the surface. If this is something you’re dealt with, feel free to add your ideas and suggestions in the comments below.
Some of the resources below address lying and other risky behaviors, but many of the concepts and advice can help regardless of the behavior we’re struggling with. As you can see, there are some differing opinions, but all of them address accountability and support.
The ADHD Dude has several videos. This one is also on lying.
Conquering Chaos is a book I’ve read that helps teens and adults see how executive functioning issues affect our lives.
Healthy Place Blog on ADHD and Stealing
The CDC article on ADHD and behavior
The Brain Balance Center’s article on lying.
