Faithfulness is about stepping back and presenting my brokenness to God.
Things may not work out the way I think they should. If I’m honest, they rarely do. Looking back, I realize that’s not always a bad thing. If my life had gone the way I planned, I would have spent the last 20 years or more on the African mission field. There’s nothing wrong with that plan. It would have glorified God. Yet it would mean pursuing God’s good in exchange for God’s best.
This morning I put my kids on the school bus. I held a cup of pumpkin spice coffee in one hand and waved goodbye with the other. It’s a strange feeling. For the first time in 19 years, I have no classroom, no students, no lesson plans, and no IEPs. Fall used to be my favorite season because I got to see my students again. It was a fresh start with new bulletin boards, sharpened pencils, bright name tags on the desks and tables, and new opportunities to improve my students’ lives. But this is a new season. It’s a different kind of fall altogether.
The detours that lead me to God’s best have led me through many seasons in my life. There have been seasons of being a seminary student, a minister’s wife, a teacher, and a mother (biological, foster, and adoptive) of two wonderfully neurodiverse kids. I’ve lived in multiple states and helped in many different ministries. I can honestly say that my life has been an adventure of following God from one opportunity to the next.
In all this, my goal is to be faithful to God in any season. That’s easy to say, but then I think about what that looks like in each of these seasons of my life. I was always active. Faithfulness meant “doing” ministry or “doing” teaching or “doing” mom-life. For most of my adult life, I’ve been “doing” what God has led me to do. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret any of that activity. I believe God was teaching me and showing me his best through all of it.
But now, as my body struggles to function each day, I’m entering a new season. I’m entering a season of stillness. Sometimes faithfulness means stepping back and being still. Faithfulness is about taking the time to present my brokenness to God. For the last few months, I’ve fought that truth. I’ve fought my body and tried to deny there was a problem. But my body doesn’t lie, and it won’t be denied. It is broken. Everything I used to “do” is broken with it.
While I grieve over losing some of the things that helped define my life, the truth is I’m not upset. By all things logical I should be panicked over losing half our household income. I should be frustrated that I can’t physically do all the things I love. I should feel guilty for having to say no to so many activities. But I don’t feel any of that. I am at peace knowing that this is a season of stillness, and my stillness is being faithful to God, trusting He will show me His best.
